whichiest | PENANCE IC INBOX

[Her head races as her heart beats faster. He tells her to relax but she can't help doing the opposite, shaking her head emphatically.]

But why? Why you? I couldn't possibly bear you being dead.

Oh, that's interesting. Would you be able to bear someone else dying because you didn't kill me instead?

(All very calculated, he's dragging the blade down his shirt, cutting it to reveal his chest and to also remind them that this knife is rather sharp.)

I...I don't know.

[As always, she answers with such honesty it sounds like agony. She really doesn't know that directly killing anyone would be something she could stomach.]

But you mean so much to me...you know that.

I know. You also do know that killing anyone here isn't permanent, correct? I'd just come back, like none of this ever happened. Do you truly think that the disasters you want to bestow upon others have no casualties?

(But fine, he's going to drop it only for a second, just a little second to close the switchblade and carefully lay her on the couch. She's too tense, it's not going anywhere if she doesn't get to listen to him properly.)

Economic downturns make a surge in suicides, that's a simple fact of life. I don't have to tell you what natural disasters do to the people who suffer them. You gotta be okay with death if that's truly what you want to pursue.

(All said as he presses the sweetest kisses upon pale skin.)

Edited 2021-08-03 02:10 (UTC)

[She relaxes, at least a little, when the knife isn't posed to strike. Her breathing starts to even out, but she still stammers.]

But that's...

[Different from being the one to plunge the knife in. And that's his point. It all makes sense. It's hypocritical, to idolize things that have the potential to cause death while choosing to stay separate from it. That's the lesson. But, still...]

You don't kill anyone, either, isn't that right?

With the exception of my attempted murder towards Shizu-chan, and around fifteen old men who had any involvement with my stabbing accident, not really. Ah, but you knew this, didn't you? I gave you my sin list very early on. Are you having second thoughts?

(He's getting so much more than he bargained for with this? There's a smile she might not be able to see, but she probably can sense against her skin.)

[He makes it so easy to forget the things that scare her when he speaks so soothingly. Instinctively, she cradles Izaya's head against her as he dots her with kisses, and she focuses on gathering her thoughts.]

No, no, of course not. You just really took me by surprise, you know? I'm still not even very good at bending the truth...

[And, and, well...]

You only just came back. I don't want to lose you, again.

Don't you think that after you do something so vile, everything else will become easier?

(One thing about Izaya is that that switchblade is definitely not the only one he carries on himself, so with a flick one that he removed from his jeans pocket, he rids her of the other strap of her dress, leaving her chest for him to press kisses against.

A little wave of goosebumps takes over his spine for a second there. God, he truly does not deserve this woman. He knows it with every fiber of his being, and she still hasn't realized it. She probably will, after he's done with his point, with his plan. She truly does love him.

It's easier to run from it if he does it in a way that makes sense to his character rather than to just out and leave. He wanted her to awaken to her true potential, did he not? So this is the opportunity that he has to bring it all together, and whatever the result, he'll accept it wholeheartedly.)

I'll be here tomorrow.

But what if...what if something goes wrong, and the way they bring people back suddenly doesn't work? What if you're gone for so much longer?

[Or forever? It's the worst possible outcome, but the fact is they don't really know how any of it works. The way that Penance has been in such upheaval since their arrival, it worries her. At any point, the system could collapse and make things harder than they can imagine.

The first switchblade stays collapsed in her hand, gripped in an anxious fist as she watches him soothe her flushed skin.]

It's not. I can guarantee that.

(No, he can't, but knowing that Death is around is a relief. Knowing that others have died countless times and still walk the Penance grounds is telling, the assurance that this has never happened before can do wonders. His hand lowers her dress so his lips can reach more, a finger caressing the shape of her breast before he looks up at her.)

Well, I guess we can talk about it a little later, can't we?

(It's only to make her hate him more. Maybe it works.)

[In all honestly, she's not so sure how she feels about this. It's just delaying a conversation that's going to continue to be painful, isn't it? Belladonna meets his eyes with a look that seems to be a mix of insecurity and resignation. He's not usually so forward, really, without her being the one to ultimately be given the chance to take initiative.

Maybe it would be good to just go along with this. At least, if nothing else, she's pretty willing for a distraction under these circumstances.]

Alright. We'll...talk about it later.

Good.

(Not usually so forward, but when there's something to benefit from it, he might as well play the part. Belladonna's been too close, too dangerously close to peeking through the walls he's built around his heart. It's with every smile she offers him in the morning. With how genuinely she feels about him, even after he'd dropped his manipulation. How she touches every sin he's ever committed tenderly and lovingly, admiring each wrongdoing and listening, truly listening to every word that comes out of his mouth - whether it's bullshit or not. It's the way she cares about him, sincerely cares for him that frightens him.

She's not going to love him for long. He'll mess with Masaomi, he'll mess with someone, and she'll open her eyes to the shit person he truly is. She's going to grow bored of his speeches, she'll eventually reject him for the same reason she loves him in the first place. He cannot afford to let himself be swayed any further, not if he wants to protect his brittle heart.

He doesn't know how to do things any way else - and he had promised her to make her evil, hasn't he? What's more evil than making love to someone, only to watch the life drain from them shortly after from your own blade?

His hands take hers in to remove the blade in her possession, placing them around his neck before his lips catch her own - a kiss that is uncharacteristically passionate.)

[It's like the turning of a switch. He takes the knife from her hand and for the moment, she feels free again, and it's so easy to follow his lead, leaning into his kiss, her arms pulling his body down close to her own.

In that kiss, Belladonna pours herself. As if just the right showing of devotion or of empathy will fix everything about the past several minutes. Surely, then he'll realize that this is all unnecessary, or at least not the right time.

And there will be a right time, she tells herself. And a right victim. A right place. And he'll be so, so proud of her.]

(He made her love him, he can make her hate him, or if she doesn't have it in her, at least she won't want to look at him for a while, he supposes. He hopes. He doesn't wish so, but in his twisted way of thinking, that's the safest bet he has.

The last woman who loved him got off pretty easily compared to what Izaya is offering here, he thinks for a second. It's always like this, isn't it? Being lonely and yet too frightened to stop being so. It's a push and pull, and nobody he might care about is free from it. Not Bella, certainly not Shinra.

With intensity that Izaya never shows, he's allowing his hand to wander again, fingers lowering her underwear by the sides before he can tease a touch, the kiss becoming more voracious per second. He's fully freaking out, but at least he can mask it as desire, if anyone would fall for that.)

[There's maybe an instinct here, a subtle nagging in the back of her brain, that something doesn't feel right about this. That he's acting strange, has been acting strange, particularly since he returned home from the shipwreck. But they haven't touched like this in awhile, or, well, ever, really, not with this kind of energy, and she can't bring herself to waste the opportunity.

Belladonna sighs into her mouth as he devours her, and one of her hands runs down his chest, finding the slice he'd made in the fabric. There's a hesitation, a small one, and then she grips it with both hands and tears it farther, forcing the fabric open from collar to hem.]

(Color him impressed with how she decides to rid him of his shirt. He never expected her to attribute his aggressiveness with some of her own, he never thought that this is what lives inside her if he just poked enough.

Well, he would never find out if he hadn't been panicking, gripping on her leg and letting a gasp for air escape his lips before he dives right back again, shoulders moving so that the shirt could slide off of it and he could toss it to God-Only- Knows-Where.

It's off because something is off. He's off.)

[Belladonna wants him. Wants him because he wants her, or seems to. But the nagging gets worse no matter how hot their kisses become, how irresistible his kisses. It claws at her white-witch sensibilities, and eventually she can't ignore what's obvious any longer.

If she did, she'd be taking advantage of him.

So, although she's panting and dizzy with desire, she pulls her mouth away from his, her hands becoming gentle once more.]

Stop.

[It's more of a muted plea than an order, and she starts to sit up.]

I don't think we should do this right now.

(The thing about Izaya is that whether things go according to plan or not, he'll smile like it's all like he expected it to be. It's the beauty of being able to love any result.

So she tells him to stop, and without a second thought, he does it. He's plenty of things, but one to push for sex just doesn't suit him. He sighs, panting, trying his best to breathe properly as he removes himself from her touch.

The blade shouldn't be just hanging on the sofa, so back into his hands it goes.)

Are you okay?

[It's awful, feeling torn between two instincts. She frowns in an apology that she shouldn't even need to feel beholden to as she pulls her dress back up over her chest. The idea of trying to have a serious discussion while so indisposed sets her even further on edge.]

It's not me...

[Belladonna takes a slow breath, trying to compose herself.]

You aren't acting like yourself, and I don't want to take advantage of that--you've already given me the same courtesy.

[She goes to reach for his arm, wanting to touch it soothingly.]

What is all this about? Why did you bring up murder all of a sudden? Is there something else bothering you that you aren't saying? You can talk to me about anything.

I brought it up because I've made you a promise, haven't I? I'm mostly a man of my word. Didn't you want to be absolutely vile? What's worse than murdering a loved one?

(And Izaya is a coward because he could never do what he is asking of her. He knows he'd turn absolutely berserk if anyone set a finger on Bella, has punished thoroughly those who dared to harm Shinra. If those two got a papercut, Izaya would tend to it, and immediately set the paper on fire. He's possessive like that, protective when no one's looking. He's got a reputation to keep.

But either way, he stands up - where's that pistol he's found? Ah, inside the drawer, wasn't it? It doesn't matter if there's ammunition or not as he leaves the knife on the couch, easy for her to pick up before he turns his attention to the balcony, gun hot in his hands as he points towards the first thing he sees.

Perhaps he should learn how to deal with his feelings. He can't run forever, can he?)

Well, murder by proxy it is, I suppose. So, if you don't stop me, someone else's blood will be in your hands - I know you can do it, after all, isn't that what you wish for the most?

Yes, of course you did, but it's the way you're acting that has me concerned. It has me feeling as if...

[But she doesn't have the chance to finish that thought, as that's when Izaya makes it known he has a gun in his hand. A jolt of anxiety runs its way through her. Is he going to shoot himself to make some kind of point?

No. No, someone else. Someone who hasn't done anything wrong. Who may already be suffering. Belladonna immediately thinks of all her friends who could be out there right this moment. Panic begins to set in.

She stands, knife in hand, though she doesn't remember reaching for it. Doesn't even realize she has it at all.]

Can't you just talk to me? Izaya, please!

I've talked, what else would you like me to say? I'm only trying to make your wildest dreams come true. Can you truly blame me for that?

(Even when the situation turns tense, Izaya's voice is as calm as ever, his usual tone not faltering as he undoes the safety of the gun, finger on the trigger ready to strike.)

Well. Let's count together, shall we? One...

I'm not blaming you for anything!

[Tears don't start, not yet, but her voice chokes. She's confused--where did all this come from? What's happening? It seemed like one minute everything was just fine and now...

He wouldn't really shoot someone, would he? Of course he wants her to act, he wants to watch what she does, but would he, himself, personally end someone's life to make it happen?

Belladonna couldn't really say. She comes forward halfway at a stumble, gripping the top of her dress with one hand to keep it from falling.]

I'm just so worried about you, right now. I can't help feeling like you must be hurting, and if you'd only trust me...

[Her head pounds. Two seconds. She has two seconds.]

Don't worry, Bella, you should only worry about your potential right now.

(Trust? That's the issue, isn't it? The ever-so bloody battlefield inside of him. Once, he trusted someone was protecting him, caring for him, saving him, and it hadn't truly been for him. At that moment, Izaya felt a myriad of things, but most importantly, he felt envy. Jealousy of said person's ability to sway his moral compass towards a single individual, to jump on a knife meant for Izaya not out of heroism, not out of love for his friend, but out of a desire to impress a thing. This person saw things from a different plane of existence, a true observer of humanity, and Izaya wanted more than anything to be like him.

But Izaya is fragile. Not like a flower, but much like a ticking bomb that can go off in a split second should anyone seek to disarm it. Had he been an honest observer, he'd be able to lie - wait, it wouldn't have been a lie. It would have been truthful to his wishes to simply watch as she whirled into the villainess that she so much urges to be. Trust means he'd let her in, much more than she already has. It's not like anyone has gotten this close to Izaya unscathed. He renounces it with his every fiber while reaching for it with his whole being.

He wants it, but he's too afraid to take it, as per usual. Can't deal with the fact that love comes with rejection, it comes with pain, with expectations that aren't met. He needs to make her despise him. It's to protect the bomb from consuming him whole.

So he doesn't hesitate to continue counting.)

Two...

But you matter so much more to me than something like that!

[At the end of the day, acceptance and companionship is something she's always lacked alongside the powers that she wanted. If she had to choose between them, she'd choose love. She's lived with disappointment in herself long enough to resign to it. But having someone by her side...now that she has it, the idea of being torn away from it, that's a whole different kind of Hell. That's one she doesn't want to be in.

But does he want this? He doesn't, right? Not really. He's pushing and pushing and it feels like some kind of test she hasn't figured out the right answer to, yet. If she does what he's asking, will she pass or fail? If she refuses, what if the outcome is more than her conscience can handle? He wouldn't be mad, she's sure.

But if he looked at her like she was insignificant or uninteresting, how could she look at herself again? How could she possibly hate herself even more than she already does?

Belladonna doesn't have any of the answers. She only has her heart and her instincts, which know little about bluffs or consequence. Her first remaining second turns into the second remaining second, and it's like a gunshot goes off in her brain before he actually pulls the trigger at all.]

No, don't!

[So, she swings. The switchblade opens as her arm careens downward, and if Izaya weren't literally be asking for it, dodging would be laughably easy. There's no grace or practice in the movement, only desperation as the blade jams itself into the wrist of his gun-wielding hand. She doesn't--can't--wait to see if he drops it. It takes more effort than she's normally capable of to pull the knife out and bring it down again, but by now adrenaline is doing its job, and the blade, this time, pierces him in the back.]

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cw izaya being a triggery asshole, suicide/disaster mention

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i need to find her some intense icons jeeze

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